Equilibrium
by Usami
Summary: /Nova POV, post 'Belly of the Beast'/ But even the smallest weight can tip the scale, throwing off the balance and plunging any one side into disorder and confusion.


I know I should probably be updating _Rattle the Chains _right about now. But with all the work I've been having with school, I haven't really had time to finish the next chapter. I'm working on it, and it's almost done, but it's not quite there yet. The only reason I'm posting this up is because I've had it mostly written out for a long time now. I was actually hoping to write this up sooner, but I kept writing it on and off as my inspiration for it came and went. It was only recently that I was able to finish it.

See, while Sprx/Nova is my favorite coupling, I do enjoy the idea of alternative pairings. They're fun, and each pairing is unique. Anyway, I'll stop now and just let you read the story.

**Equilibrium**

I've been lucky enough to see the kinds of things that others have only ever dreamed of. I've been able to see the answers to questions that people spend their whole lives searching for. I was able to see the beginning of time, the creation of the universe, life, and reality itself. Being able to hold that kind of information…that kind of knowledge…It's amazing.

And yet…even with all of this enlightenment that I've been given, there are still so many things that I don't understand. Things…just within my own world, my own life, my own reality. There are still questions that I have right now that still need to be answered.

Really, what's the use of this celestial knowledge if I can't use it to figure out my own life?

Well, maybe I'm being a little narrow-minded about this. I'm sure there are plenty of ways to put the information I know to good use. But I don't really think all of this can help me answer the questions that I hold…in my heart.

I know this is a terrible thing to wonder…but when I had gone missing, did you care? Did you worry at all about where I might have been or what could have been happening to me? Even if you didn't show it to the others, were you concerned about me at all…Antauri?

You certainly have never mentioned anything since I got back. Not that I really expected you to. There are just so many things that you keep to yourself. Besides, our defeat of the Skeleton King Worm was the most important thing. We all got lost in such a major victory.

But was it too much to ask for even just a small sign that you were thinking of me? I mean, when we all thought you were dead…it was hard on all of us. And I had no trouble saying what I thought or showing how I felt…thinking that I'd never see you again.

But I guess you're not like that, huh? You're not the type to always show what you're thinking or how you're feeling. You keep everything locked away, only expressing yourself when you have to.

Y'know…I've never really realized how different we are. While you prefer to keep what you think and feel to yourself, and while you prefer to say things only when necessary, I usually have no problem saying exactly what's on my mind whether people ask for my opinion or not. While I usually like settling things with my fists whenever I can, getting into any fight I'm able to, you prefer to leave those kinds of confrontations as a last resort and find another way to solve problems. And while I have a really short temper and can easily be annoyed by little things, you're usually so calm and patient.

I guess that's one of the reasons I've come to admire and respect you. No matter what, you always try to be tolerant of others. After all…you've always been able to put up with someone like me.

I remember that one day when it had started to snow in Shuggazoom. I remember being so…irritable that day where any little thing could have set me off. Like the snowball that Sprx threw at me. I know he didn't mean to hit me, but feeling the ice cold against my face…I really lost it. The familiar anger came rushing back to me, burning through my blood…and I remember seeing the others backing away from me. I couldn't blame them, really. I felt like I was living a nightmare that day, and I wasn't hesitant in sharing my experience with everyone else. They all knew what I was capable of when I was angry enough, and I didn't blame them for being so afraid of me.

But for some reason, you weren't afraid of me at all. You were really the only one who was willing to get near me. Even though you knew what I could do, even though I could have easily directed my fury at you, you still were able to approach me and try to calm me down.

That day, I remember feeling trapped between the freezing cold of the snow that painfully tore at my body and the blazing rage that consumed the depths of my soul. And yet somehow, even when I was confined in a prison of fire and ice, you still tried to reach out to me. Even with everything else I was feeling, I still somehow managed to feel _you_ when you tried to stop me from making a giant mistake. Because you knew how much help I needed to control myself. You knew then how much I needed you.

I guess it really helps that you're able to sense how we're all feeling or what we're all thinking. But I know that you wouldn't invade our minds like that. Not all the time. With the psychic abilities you posses that could allow you to tap into the deepest caverns of our minds, you walk along a narrow line between keeping your distance and allowing us our privacy, and glimpsing into our thoughts in order to help us work out problems that we refuse to talk about otherwise.

And you're very good at it. You're good at maintaining the middle ground of knowing when to intervene or when it's best not to say anything. But then again, you're used to it, aren't you? You're used to keeping the balance between two opposing influences set upon you. After all, your entire life is set upon a balance.

Everyday you have to walk between doing the things that you want to do (we all know how much you enjoy sitting quietly and meditating whenever you get the chance) and the things that you have to do (as second-in-command of a team as well as Chiro's mentor, you're bound to responsibilities that the rest of us won't ever have to deal with). You have to moderate between helping us when we need you (because we really do need you, a lot more than we appreciate sometimes) and helping yourself (I'm sure there are things that you wonder about, things that you need answers for). And you've somehow managed to maintain stability between the ideals of peace that you strive so hard for and your reality of life as a protector, a warrior.

I suppose in a way, we all have to be like this. We all have to struggle between two forces that influence our lives. But you just seem to be better at it than we are. You never seem to complain about anything, because you find a way to adjust and incorporate it into your life of balance. Even with everything that weighs down on you, you somehow manage to find equilibrium between all these things so that, for the most part, your life makes some sense. And I've always admired you for that. In a world full of uncertainty, being able to keep steady gives you a sense of control, over yourself at the very least.

But even the smallest weight can tip the scale, throwing off the balance and plunging any one side into disorder and confusion.

And that is exactly why I can't tell you how I feel about you.

Normally I don't have any trouble talking about how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking. I don't mind letting people know what's going on with me. And if I could, I'd tell you exactly what I want to tell you. I'd tell you how much I admire and respect you…how much I care for you and need you in my life…but the truth is, I just can't. Not because I'm afraid of you finding out how I feel, but because I'm afraid of how that would affect you.

What would you do…if I told you how I feel about you? How exactly would you handle knowing that your teammate, a good friend who you've fought alongside against the forces of evil, wanted something much deeper than the relationship you've both shared for so long? Where exactly would that fall in the equilibrium of your life? If I told you…it would change things no matter what. Things would just never be the same between us, wouldn't it? And would that be a good or bad thing? We couldn't be sure.

I don't doubt that you'd find some way to handle the news if I ever did tell you. But you have so many things to deal with already, things that constantly affect the delicate balance that you've built your entire existence upon. And every set of scales has a limit to how much weight they can carry. I don't want to add anything that would bring you that much closer to the tipping point.

Maybe I can tell you someday when there aren't so many events affecting our lives. Maybe. But until then, I'll just keep all of this to myself. And I'll find a way to manage between how I really feel for you and ensuring that your life isn't any harder than it has to be. Between caring so deeply for you…and caring about you enough to not want to disrupt the balance of your life.

In a way, doing that could bring me closer to you: Struggling to maintain equilibrium between two strong powers over my life. Learning to balance, just as you do.

I've always admired you for it. But now I can see that it's so much harder to do than I thought it'd be.

**The End**

So how did you like it? This is my first attempt at Antauri/Nova, so I don't know if it turned out all right or not. I think it makes sense, and it feels okay to me...but then again, I wrote it.

So please review (no flames if it can be helped). I'll try to update _Rattle the Chains _as soon as I can for anyone who cares.


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